Only Mere Moments
by myriassterre
Summary: Riley Finn is dead. Why does Buffy keep saying that it's her fault? Angel comes to Sunnydale to help her deal...and Buffy is guarding a secret that might tear her and Angel a part. BA. WIP. ABANDONED.
1. Ocean Of Thoughts

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know that I haven't finished 'Awakening Of The Heart' I promise that it's getting done, but is taking longer than I thought it would, but this fic is on the Enchanting Place and I thought I should post it here too.  
  
Only Mere Moments  
  
By Maddy  
  
Summary: 1st in the "Universal Language" series. Any choice has consequences, but what if the person you need to help you get through them, is the one person you can't be around?  
  
Rating: PG13 through to R, but only in some parts. For swearing and such.  
  
Spoilers: Okay, only seasons 1 - 4 of Buffy happened, after that, it swings into my alternate reality. Only season 1 of Angel happened, you'll find out why soon...  
  
Timeline: Starts in 2023, then goes back to June 2000. I know I have a thing for time jumping fic but I like 'em, okay? Is that okay with you? Wink  
  
Disclaimer: Own nothing from Buffyverse. Never could. And with Angel maybe finishing forever, I really don't want to right now.  
  
Dedication: None. Only joking, this is to everyone who has reviewed/feedbacked any of my stories. Thanks a heap.  
  
Feedback: Always wanted, needed and craved.  
  
Author's Notes: First: A warning of angst. There's a lot of it, not sure if there is a tissue warning, could be. Second: This will be long, by my standards anyway. So I'm saying sorry in advance about delays between parts, not that I won't apologize again anyway. Third: Dawn's there already. If she wasn't there already, I'm not sure how I would incorporate her into the story. Fourth: I don't really have a place for Spike in this fic, sorry, but he's disappeared off the face of the earth, I'll give an explanation at some point. That's about it, go and read it.  
  
Prologue Ocean Of Thoughts September 22nd 2023  
  
You laugh now at the bad times, well I do, because it doesn't seem so bad anymore. The deaths, my death, aren't as hard to bear, maybe 'cause there was so many, that after awhile it just didn't hurt anymore. But not the deaths, of loved ones, no, they always hurt. Some never stop. But some do, and sometimes, even if you don't want to, you feel relief that they have died. A horrible, horrible notion, but I have had them, and I don't regret it, maybe feel guilty, but never regret. Does that make me a person worth knowing, a person worth living? I'm not sure.  
  
I have lived the life I was meant to. And that makes me happy, because I have been happy. More happy than I could have ever hoped for. And I partly owe it to the death of a man I once cared for, a man who loved me. A man who gave me a reason to keep going, until I could be happy once more. And for that, he will always have a special place in my life, he's a part of it.  
  
I look out onto the ocean in front of my house, our house. The waves rolling up onto the sand, then rolling back out. Some bigger than others, others smaller. Maybe waves are like emotions, good ones and bad, some big and some small, but all important, all play a part. I have grown to hate my emotional personality, all right, I'm not that emotional, it really depends on who is around me, if I'll shut down, cut myself off, or let it all out, knowing that I didn't have to hide.  
  
There was always one person who I never had to hide from, a man who know what I was really  
  
thinking, a man who knew me and loved me as I was. He has been my enemy, my lover, my friend, but always the love of my life. Now he is my husband, my best friend, and the father of my children.  
  
I walk back towards the house we made our home. Leaving the ocean behind me, waiting for me to come back tomorrow, like I have for 20 years. I love the ocean, haven't always, I love the mystery, the dark, and the beasts that dwell underneath. We all have our demons, mine, is me.  
  
The house is dimly lit, full of furniture and junk we've collected over the years. Four stories, sixty-four bedrooms, four wings and too many bathrooms to count, three kitchens, several living areas, all having different purposes. I guess I should have mentioned it earlier, but I have never found it very important, not something that I ever cared about, but I have to admit money does make life much easier. And we have a lot of it. The house, well manor, is huge, beyond huge, but it has to be to fit the forty- five people living here on the property, a few hundred meters from the main house is a smaller residency for some of our employers.  
  
Old friends and their spouses who have turned into family, their children, all too young to leave home, my children and husband. Also, maids, gardeners, cooks and two butlers. We all live together, but technically they live with us. We invited them to live here, I wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
Past me rushes two forms, one bigger than the other. I know who they are, my youngest being chased by his father, not knowing or caring why, I follow them. I follow...I was never meant to follow anyone, I was the leader, the general even. But never a follower, and yet I follow. Why? What's changed? Has anything changed, or am I still the same?  
  
I walked into the room where they were mock-fighting. I smile, and realize, that everything has  
  
changed, nothing is the same as it once was, I am different, we all are. It was that night, I remember it so well, like it was yesterday, but it wasn't, not even close to being yesterday. Twenty-three years ago, the year was 2000, and it was June...I still recall the exact date...four days after I let a man die...it was the fifteenth when I faced my demons, the ones I had created.  
  
It is sometimes hard to believe the things I have done, the sins, the shameful, the disgusting, but none did I loathe myself more, than what I did on the eleventh of June in the year 2000. None.  
  
I hated myself for so long, I hated him for making me choose him, and I hated the Powers for putting me in that position. For the longest time, I wanted to die, but could not, for I had to live for someone else, my death meant theirs, and this I could not bear. So I lived, existed really, but soon I lived, and loved it once more. Because of a man who really was an angel, and a life I had created, not out of love, but out of loneliness.  
  
He reaches for my hand, and pulls me down next to him. I smile at him, and he smiles back. Kisses me full on the lips and says "I love you," like he does several times a day, not that I don't already know it, but because it's the easiest thing to say, and because it is true.  
  
"I love you," I say to him, saying that to him is the most natural thing in the world to me. I've never held it back, for I knew it was true, since the moment I first saw him, I knew he was the one, the only for me.  
  
Two men have believed that. They both knew the truth, but only one was willing to let me go. The other, well, he didn't have me in the first place. You cannot give what you don't have.  
  
I wonder if he knows what I am thinking, does he know I think of the other often? Maybe, but maybe not. One day I'll tell him. But that day is not today, today, I tell him that I love him, and him alone. And keep my thoughts inside my head.  
  
"I love you." I say yet again. "It's the only thing I have ever been sure of."  
  
"I know the feeling."  
  
He kisses my forehead, his once cold lips filled with warmth. His once pale, young skin, tanned and aged. Humanity...his reward and his curse. Like it is mine. I'm not the girl I was long ago. Too long actually, I barely remember what it was like to be her. Does he remember her? Does he want her back? Do I?  
  
Later that night, I stand by the largest window in our room, it has a direct view of the Pacific Ocean, the waves, the water and the moonlight that dances upon them. I'm mesmerized. Such a beautiful and dangerous thing, it holds the most important and illusive facts, filled with secrets. Mysterious, the unknown has fascinated humankind for thousands of years, just as it's fascinated me.  
  
He comes into the room, gets changed, gets into bed and begins to read a book. I know he's watching me, I can feel it. I know he worries about me. Why though? I'm okay. I'm better than okay. I want to believe that, I want to believe like I used to.  
  
"I thought about it today."  
  
Why did I say that?  
  
"I know."  
  
I turn to face him. "How?"  
  
"I always know." He answers back, cryptic as ever.  
  
He smiles and I know he understands. Has always understood. Always will. How could I have ever doubted it? I smile at him, trying to tell him by my eyes, by my face, just how much I love him. Even if I can't or don't always show it, I hope he's always known that I've loved him with every breath since our first meeting.  
  
I turn back to stare out the window, at the ocean. With each wave that rolls onto the beach, the big and the small...I let the memories wash over me...the ones I have longed to be forgotten...but like most things in my life, wishes, my wishes, just never came true...all but him, and the cost was just too great...Memories, some should stay forgotten, or shoved to the very back of your mind, never to think of them again, but it doesn't always work that way. I'm envious of the people who get to forget, but I have a living reminder of what I did, and whose life I ended...  
  
For another man...a man I could never have, at the point in time anyway...but a man I always wanted. Who was really an angel in disguise... 


	2. Grief And Guilt

Part One Grief And Guilt 11th June 2000  
  
Water. It was everywhere. I hate water. It was everywhere. Not the way it is when you're in the ocean or in a swimming pool, but it was quickly filling the room, spurting through cracks in the walls, from the floorboards, underneath the doors, pounding against the windows trying to break the glass...which was covered with spider-web cracks. I spun around the room, searching for a way out that didn't include water. So not my forte. I have to get out.  
  
Suddenly something pounded on the door, it shook with each blow. I gulped and took a step away from the door. "So not going that way." Where else was there to go? Damn, I can't die. I can't!  
  
But I deserve too, so maybe this is the end for me. Maybe this is my destiny, to die, by water, for it to wash away my sins, as it where. Never been big on religion, but...  
  
Crack!  
  
The door smashed as the water broke through, but that's not all that broke through. A man drenched from head to toe came running straight at me. "Buffy...oh, god. You're alive."  
  
"Angel?"  
  
He pulled me toward him, his strong arms enveloping me whole, and who wouldn't want to be covered by him? I push him away, we can't...I'm beneath him. "We have to get out of here!" He yelled over the loud rushing sounds. He grabbed my hand, and we ran towards the open doorway. We only got few feet when the windows smashed and the water rushed through.  
  
The last thing I remember is Angel pulling me towards him before the water and glass hit us.  
  
"You think she feels guilty?"  
  
"Xander, of course she does. She loved him."  
  
"Yeah, but not as much as she loves Dead Boy."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Maybe not, but she'd still feel guilty."  
  
"But that's all she'll feel, Willow. That's all! Do you even realize what would have happened if-"  
  
"Of course I do. We would have lost her. She would have wanted to go with him."  
  
"I guess-"  
  
I moaned as the use of my muscles came back. I could feel again, I could feel everything. Everything.  
  
"Buffy!" Okay that was loud. "Oh god, you're awake." Arms crushed me. "She's awake."  
  
"I can see that Willow." Said Xander, kindly. "Good to have you awake." He pried Willow off me and hugged me. I felt weird with them touching me. I wouldn't want to touch me.  
  
"Yeah." My eyes widened at the thought. "Where's Angel? Is he okay? Where is he?"  
  
"He's fine, Buff. He is a vampire after all." Said Xander letting me go.  
  
"Where is he?"  
  
"Here."  
  
He stood in the doorway to my hospital room. Wait...I'm in a hospital room. I have to get out of here. I turned my head to look at the IV drip in my arm. My fingers itching to get it out of me. Angel must have noticed my distress, because he crossed the space between us and gently held my hand in his. Xander glared, while Willow just looked concerned.  
  
I wanted to yell at them, tell them they're being stupid and immature. Angel and I can never be together again, but can't they understand I need him, always, no matter what. I need someone who knows what it's like to be me.  
  
And they don't, and never can.  
  
"Are you all right?"  
  
"I could ask the same thing about you."  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Me too." He said with a smile.  
  
I found I could smile too.  
  
They later told me I had been unconscious for a day and a bit, so most of my wounds had already healed. The physical ones at least...the emotional ones...well, that was a very different story...  
  
I was home the next night. My Mom's home. Not mine. I don't live there anymore, I don't live anywhere anymore. She put me back into my old room, saying that I could stay here as long as I needed. Like I was a guest, and not her eldest child. Like I didn't belong. I don't know how she can look at me, I don't know how any of them can. It's my fault he's dead. All mine. They all liked him a lot, much more than they ever liked Angel. But I didn't.  
  
The things in my room looked different, is it because I haven't looked at them in a long time? Or is it because I see things differently now? All this thinking is making my head hurt. I need to lay down.  
  
As my head hits the pillow, I hear a tap on my window. Angel is there peering in at me. I take a deep breath and nod. He slides up the window pane and steps into my room, much like he did three years ago. I move over and create a space for him.  
  
I drift off to a hopefully peaceful sleep, in the arms of my once and always love. Does he think that about me, or am I being naive? Maybe a bit of both.  
  
He kisses my hair and I lean further into him. I breathe in his scent and I feel...it feels like home.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"No problem." He whispers near my ear.  
  
I close my eyes, and fall asleep, but not before I hear him say: "I love you."  
  
When I woke the next morning he wasn't there, but I didn't really expect him to be, he never stuck around for long. The curtains were closed, that puzzled me. I didn't close them, and why would Angel if he left? What if he didn't leave? With new zest I got out of bed and went downstairs and into the kitchen where voices were coming from, there I met Angel making breakfast for Dawn. I smiled at the normal-ness of the scene.  
  
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, Buffy?" Asked Angel with his back turned to me. I felt a rush of love towards him, of course he knew I was there. I instantly regret thinking that he never stuck around, he did if he was needed. He's needed. Always needed.  
  
"Yes please, that would be great."  
  
"How did you know she was there, I didn't tell you?" Asked my always annoying fourteen-year-old sister.  
  
"I always know." Angel answered back, cryptically as ever. He handed Dawn her plate filled with bacon and eggs. She happily took it and began stuffing her face.  
  
I sat myself down next to her. "Where's Mom?"  
  
"Meeting with the Finn's. She didn't think you would be ready to see them." Said Dawn between mouthfuls. And by the severe look on Angel's face, she wasn't meant to tell me.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Dawn quickly went back to eating her breakfast, not looking up. Angel didn't say anything as he passed me my large breakfast, instead I looked up at him, and met his pain-filled eyes with my own. His pain was for me, mine, was mine.  
  
I broke eye contact and ate my food, which was pretty good. None of us spoke. No one knew what to say.  
  
"Buffy! Dawn!" Called my mother as she came through the door.  
  
"In here." Dawn said from her spot on the sofa. I didn't speak, can't find the words right now. Not the right ones anyway. Joyce Summers, a single mother of two, one of them being a Vampire Slayer. I can't even begin to conceive how terrible that must be sometimes, most of the time. When am I not fighting for my life? When am I not in danger?  
  
"That was tough. They knew nothing of demons and Hellmouths. That's why I'm so late, explaining the demonic world to people who want to be in total denial is hard. I wasn't that deluded was I? Is Angel still here?"  
  
"Yeah," answered Dawn. "He's in the kitchen getting Buffy a drink. He's her slave now-"  
  
"Angel is not my slave."  
  
"No, he just does everything for you. If that's not a slave, I don't know what one is."  
  
"You don't know anything." I snapped.  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
"I'm sorry, Mom. Dawn...I didn't mean-"  
  
"It's okay." She gave me a reassuring smile. For only the sixth or seventh time in her life, I am glad Dawn is my sister.  
  
"How are...the - um..."  
  
"They're as good as they can be." Said my Mom sitting down next to Dawn. I looked at them from the armchair I currently occupied, they look right, like they're supposed to be here. I wonder if I look right. "They knew he was in the army, obviously, but-" She faltered as Angel walked into the living room, a quick glance between him and myself and then she continued. "But, a death is always sudden even with a high risk job like Ri-...like his."  
  
Silence fell over us. Angel handed me the cup of hot tea and perched himself on one of the arms of the chair. I looked up at him and smiled. He half-smiled back. I felt my pulse quicken, and I could tell he heard.  
  
"Buffy, they want to-"  
  
"I-I...can't. I can't."  
  
"Honey, you have to do this."  
  
"Do I!?" I yelled putting the cup on the table in front of me. "Do I? Who says? You? I can't. I'm sorry if that makes me a more horrible person. But I'm already horrible. It's my fault that he-"  
  
"It was not your fault," said Angel softly.  
  
"Yes, IT IS!" I screamed leaping to me feet. "I had a choice. It was my decision, Angel. And I chose you. The love 'em and leave 'em guy, over Mister Normal. I did this. How can they look at their son's mu-"-"  
  
"Because they know it's not your fault." Said my mother rising to her feet.  
  
"Did you tell them everything? Did you tell them-"  
  
"Of course not. How could I tell them that my daughter, their son's girlfriend, chose a vampire over him? You can't tell people that! You can't!"  
  
"And neither can I!"  
  
I ran from the room, I knew Angel was running after me even before I heard his footsteps on the stairs. I flung open my door, the curtains were still closed, the room still dark. I wanted to open them wide and let the light in, even just a little bit. But I didn't, not just because of the vampire standing behind me, but because like him, the light will burn me to a crisp. Not literally, but you get the idea.  
  
"How can you even stand to be around me?"  
  
"I should be asking you that question. Buffy, I've killed thousands of people-"  
  
"That wasn't you, and you know it."  
  
"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I wasn't responsible. For a hundred years I thought people wouldn't want to be near me, most didn't but, you...you loved me and showed me that I wasn't a monster with a man inside. That I could make a difference. It's not your fault, Buffy. You had to chose, and you did."  
  
"But I chose you. And everyone sees that as a bad, 'the world as we know it is ending', thing."  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"That's the problem, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, pretty much." I sat down on the end of my bed. "I feel guilty, really guilty and I can't grieve because all I can think about is, how glad I am that it wasn't you."  
  
"Oh, Buffy..."  
  
The tears I had yet to cry fell from my eyes and Angel rushed at me. His arms around me, mine around him. And I cried.  
  
He thought I was crying because Riley is dead, I am crying because of that, but also for another reason, a reason that should have made me chose Riley to live and Angel to die, but I didn't.  
  
"I couldn't watch you die again."  
  
"Shh..."  
  
"Can you ever forgive me?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
Angel didn't realize I wasn't asking him for forgiveness. But now wasn't the time to set things right, they never were when it came to us. Angel and I. There hasn't been an 'us' for over a year, and the really horrible part is, that right now, I wish there was.  
  
And I cried.  
  
And he held me.  
  
They want me to meet Mister and Missus Finn. I can't. I won't and I can't. And they can't make me. Not even Angel. Of course they all thought he would be able to, maybe that's why Mom hasn't kicked him out yet. She wants him around so that I'm agreeable.  
  
The countless arguments, discussions and I still wouldn't meet them. It's been 3 days since Riley's death, his funeral is in 2 hours, so I guess I'll be meeting them there. I still can't, but now I have too. I have to say goodbye.  
  
I'm standing in front of my wardrobe, wondering what to wear. In theory it shouldn't be hard, my wardrobe is filled with black. But not many appropriate for funerals. I've been to many, too many. But this one feels different. Not worse, but like it should be, because it's expected of me. I loved him ,or so they reckon. That should mean I'll be in mourning for the rest of my life, but I won't be.  
  
Angel isn't coming, even if it wasn't during the middle of the day he wouldn't come. Of course not, why would anyone want to go to your ex- girlfriend's dead boyfriend's funeral. It's not appropriate. I want him to be there, the selfish part of me does. He's been my rock these past few days and I haven't been away from him for more than an hour at a time. I think I'm becoming to dependent on him, but who else is there?  
  
"Buffy, you nearly ready? Okay, that would be a no." He said once seeing I was wearing just a towel, with my hair up off my face, a few curls framing my face.  
  
"I don't know what to wear."  
  
"Let me help."  
  
He helped me chose a black dress I had forgotten even having, It was knee length, kind of lose with thin straps as sleeves, so to cover up a bit more I'll be wearing a black cardigan. Angel left while I got dressed. I said goodbye to him at the bottom of the stairs. He held my in his arms, I rested my head against his silent chest.  
  
"I need you there."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Yes, I do." I always need you.  
  
"Buffy, you're stronger than you realize. You don't give yourself enough credit. You can do this, but I'll be here for as long as you need me."  
  
"How's forever?"  
  
"Forever's works just fine."  
  
I lifted my head and stared right in his eyes, he gulped, I licked my lips. Before I knew it, I had pulled his head down towards mine. Lips only an inch or two apart.  
  
"We shouldn't-"  
  
"Yes, we should. I love you, Angel." Have always loved you, I said silently, hope he heard me anyway.  
  
"I love you, too. But that doesn't mean we can-"  
  
"No, it doesn't. We can."  
  
He smiled down at me, and I wanted to fly, felt as though I could. And all over a smile. But he does that to me, Riley never could, and that's why I chose Angel.  
  
Our lips met in a passionate kiss, a kiss that has been pent up for a year and a half. And damn was it fantastic. 


	3. Fishy Business

Part Two Fishy Business  
  
The kiss was just another thing to add to my already full and heavy guilt- filled mind. I think my head might just fall off soon if I feel guilty for anything more. Going to my ex-boyfriend's funeral was making it much worse. I can now see from the back of the church, my mother talking with the Finns. People are everywhere, most from out of town, relatives and old friends of Riley's, some, unfortunately, are nearly all of his former Initiative buddies. The glares from them are so fun.  
  
Wishing I could hide doesn't help, seems nothing ever will. The thing about being at your worst still means things can get worse, and that's not something that can get you motivated to get up from your rock bottom, but still...hope is always there. He is always there.  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
Somewhere in the middle of my inner-monologue my mother and the Finns had worked their way through the crowds to talk to me, don't I feel special?  
  
"Buffy?" Says my mother again, I quickly realize that I was staring and not answering at all. I look over the Finns. His dad didn't look much like him, had his hair though and his height and build, but not his face. As it be turn out his mother had his eyes and nose, but a smaller version. Her eyes...it's like looking into Riley's. I wonder if they have realized that, that they each look a bit alike their dead son. Can Mr. Finn look into his wife's eyes and not cry or scream because he can see Riley staring back at him? Can Mrs. Finn see her husband with his back turned to her and not for even a second believe it's really Riley standing there?  
  
"Hi. It's nice to finally meet you," I held out my hand and Mr. Finn took it and shook it firmly. "Riley told me so much about you both, you're just how he described." I put out my hand to shake Mrs. Finn's but instead she pulled me forward and hugged me. My eyes flew open and it took me a few seconds to hug her back.  
  
"It's wonderful to meet you, Buffy. I can see why he loved you so much." She said letting me go, finally. I smile slightly, hoping she thinks I'm putting on a brave face, not trying to feel even more guilt for their son's death. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm..."  
  
"Don't need to answer that, love. Kate, stop being nosy." Mr. Finn chided his wife.  
  
"No, it's fine really. But I'm not the person who should be answering. How are you?"  
  
"Getting by. I never thought this day would come while I was still alive, this is the day every parent dreads." I am amazed she can even talk about it like this, I can't even and I'm not entirely sad he's dead, all that keeps going through my mind is 'what if it had been Angel who died?' Maybe she hasn't fully accepted it yet and can still talk about her deceased child without breaking down.  
  
"I'm sorry, but, I have to go. I would love to talk to you both later at the wake." I looked them both over again, "would that be okay?"  
  
"Of course, dear." Said Riley's father. His mother smiled and nodded once. I smiled back and walked pass them both, well aware of my mother watching me as I walked away.  
  
Willing to get to the exit before anyone else felt they needed to talk to me, I didn't notice two groups of people coming towards me. My lovable Scoobs and the easily unlovable Initiative boys. It was too late when I finally did.  
  
"Buffy." The voice was harsh and male, And it belonged to Graham. He looked pissed.  
  
"Just go away." Said Dawn appearing in front of me. The other Scoobs were standing back looking but they also didn't look happy, not that they should, it's a funeral after all, but there was something else there...I just don't know what. "Go away."  
  
"You're not going to tell me what to do." Said Dawn, her hands on her hips in full height.  
  
"I just want to talk to Buffy."  
  
"No you're going to go and chat with her army buds, away from my sister."  
  
"Listen, kid-"  
  
"Just leave, Graham." Said Xander stepping up next to Dawn.  
  
I blinked and felt myself fade away, no longer aware of what they were saying, my mind felt as though it were going to explode. These people fighting about leaving me alone, my friends versus Riley's friends. I wanted to scream, but instead I quickly fled the funeral home and ran out into the graveyard. I didn't hear anyone call after me, they could have, but they seemed to wrapped up in yelling at each other in the middle of a funeral.  
  
And they reckon I'm the crazy one.  
  
Once outside in the glaring sunlight, I realized that I felt much more at home out here, among the dead. There's going to be another addition today, and this person I cared for but didn't care enough to save him. Even though I have this 'the sun will burn me' crazy thoughts, I feel at home even with it shining down on me.  
  
Walking through the headstones and tombs, crypts and mausoleums, the realization that I was really here set in, I was here, about to bury my boyfriend at the time of his death. All the people are here celebrating his life and mourning his death. And I brought them all here, I am the reason those very nice, decent people are at their son's funeral. Me. I did this.  
  
Suddenly I was laughing. And it wasn't funny. But I couldn't stop. I laughed and laughed. I fell to the ground laughing holding my side as it started hurting. And still I laughed. God, what is wrong with me? I should be crying, not laughing, it's not funny. That only made me laugh more. I really have gone crazy, I've finally snapped.  
  
After lifting me head up off the grass, I saw a crypt, maybe there's a nice view from up there. I pulled myself from the ground, dusted off the grass and bits of other earth stuff like dirt and twigs. Stupid woolen cardigan, things just stick to wool, must be a pain to clean.  
  
Using my Slayer strength I vaulted up onto the crypt and sat down on the edge, my legs handing over the side, swinging. I was facing what would have been the ocean if there were no houses or buildings or trees in the way. I imagined what it would look like right now, it's waves rolling up onto the beach, fish swimming about, sharks and whales, maybe not sharks and whales at the beach right now, but they're in the ocean. It was a really beautiful day.  
  
Footsteps cut off the silence, I didn't look down and I didn't know who it was till they spoke. "Buffy..." It was Willow, I then took a quick look, she was staring up at me, wearing all black, her red hair hung by her face and tears lined her cheeks.  
  
"What are you doing up there?"  
  
"Looking at the ocean."  
  
"Buffy, you can't see the ocean."  
  
"I could if there were no houses, buildings or trees."  
  
"Buffy, come down, we're...they're-" She stopped talking, I could hear her ragged breathing, maybe she was crying again. "Buffy, please, we have to bury him."  
  
"We always seem to be burying someone, don't we, This time it's Riley. I wonder when you'll bury me."  
  
"Buffy, how can you talk like that? Why are you being so insensitive! He's dead!"  
  
"I know. Why doesn't anyone say Riley's name anymore, it's always, 'him' or 'he.' Have you all suddenly forgotten his name, it's Riley Finn, in case you forgot too."  
  
"Oh, god, how can you act this way?"  
  
"What way?"  
  
"Like it doesn't matter. He mattered, Buffy."  
  
"I know." Just not enough.  
  
"Damn it, Buffy! Listen to me, you have to come down! I was sent to find you, you're mother-"  
  
"Has she cried yet? You have, how about the others?"  
  
"What is wrong with you?"  
  
"I'm just trying to understand."  
  
"Understand? What's there to understand?!"  
  
"Don't worry, you don't have to."  
  
"Have to what?"  
  
"Understand."  
  
Willow left not long after, when I stopped answering she gave up and walked away. I watched her till she was out of view. I jumped down off the crypt, and walked towards where they were standing around the coffin Riley was inside.  
  
Willow was there, she looked around every now and then, maybe she was looking for me. My mother was standing next to the Finns. Xander had his arm around Anya, she looked so lost, so confused, at the people around her and the situation we were all in. Riley had died, he was someone she liked enough to want him not to die, but he had and now she had to deal with it.  
  
From my spot on a small hill over looking the processions, I could see everything, but couldn't hear a thing. What was the priest saying, did he mention that Riley had a girlfriend and was in the military, that he had honours and had ran away from his duty as an officer.  
  
The coffin gave a sudden lurch as it was lowered six feet under the earth, his mother hitched over and had to be supported by her husband, her crying face, screaming as her son's coffin vanished out of sight. My eyes welled and the tears fell, as did I.  
  
My mother had offered to hold the wake at the house so we didn't have to hold it in a crappy reception hall, or not have one at all. I know my mother's stand on wakes, she hates them and finds them terribly depressing, but apparently the Finns don't. I'm not even sure why Riley was buried in Sunnydale, why don't the Finns want him buried in Iowa closer to them.  
  
"Buffy, hi."  
  
"Hi, Aunt Lil." Aunt Lilian, my dad's youngest sister, she's only 36 and has three kids the oldest, a girl, is the same age as Dawn, she also happens to be divorced from her first husband who she had two kids with and with her second husband so far she's had one, I'm not sure if she wants more.  
  
Lilian is here as a representative to my absentee father, he had called yesterday to say he couldn't make it, but Lilian said she would love to come and be with me. I fully believe my mother had told my father when she rung him up to invite him to the funeral, that I had loved Riley a lot and was still in shock about his death, I heard her say in the kitchen about an hour ago when I went in there to get a drink 'she hasn't even cried yet...'  
  
I have cried, she just hasn't seen me. And I've been crying all for the wrong reasons.  
  
"Here." She passes me a cup of coffee, I gratefully take the boiling hot liquid and begin blowing into the coffee to speed up the cooling process. Aunt Lilian was my favourite relative in my father's side, she's cool and hip, I love her hair, it's cut short and is dyed a black purple colour.  
  
"How are you doing?" She asked sitting down beside me on the big lounge that I alone have occupied since arriving. I've watched all the other guests wonder through my mom's house, some asking me if I was doing all right, I always answered with the same answer:  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Buffy, you don't have to pretend with me, something's on your mind and it's not grief."  
  
"I'm the best I can be, really, I'll be fine."  
  
"What's wrong, Buffy?"  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
I looked up at the owner of the new but familiar and loved voice (and owner), Angel was standing in front of us looking as handsome as ever dressed in his usual black, he fit in perfectly. He smiled reassuringly at me and I smiled back at him like I used to before my 17th birthday and before the horrors that followed. His smile widened and all I wanted to was throw my arms around him.  
  
My Aunt looked back and forth between us and with raised eyebrows she looked directly at me. "Are you going to introduce me, Buffy?"  
  
"Right, sorry. Aunt Lil this is Angel, Angel this is my Aunt Lilian, she's my dad's sister." I said giving the quick intro.'s.  
  
"Nice to meet you." He held out his hand and she shook it.  
  
"Are you a friend of Buffy's?"  
  
"Yes, you could say that." Don't be cryptic! It looks like we're going out, Angel. I wonder if she thinks we've having an affair. Hmm.  
  
"He used to tutor me in history when we first moved here, and we've been close since." I did some more explaining.  
  
"That's nice, well I better go find some food, I'm starving." My Aunt rose to her feet, "Nice to meet you," she said to Angel and was gone.  
  
Angel immediately took her place next to me and without a word, grasped my hand.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Anytime." He said with a smirk.  
  
"How about now?"  
  
"Why? What have you got in mind?"  
  
"We get out of here."  
  
"Buffy, are you sure that's a good idea?"  
  
"No, but I can't sit here anymore with them all watching me and judging you. Where were you by the way?"  
  
"Up in your room, I waited for the sun to go down before coming down just in case someone thought it would be a good idea to open some blinds."  
  
"Oh." I felt stupid at my stupidity.  
  
"So if we are going somewhere, where would that be?"  
  
"Not sure, but close, so we can get back quickly and make sure that no guests accidentally get taken by any creatures of the night."  
  
"Why you worried I'll do something?"  
  
"Was that a joke?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Since when do you joke?"  
  
"For awhile now, I think Cordy keeps track of how many times I've made a joke." Cordy, when did he start calling her 'Cordy'? Trying to hide me jealousy that she gets to be around for his social development and I don't, I smiled at him.  
  
"Come on." I said getting up off the lounge and pulling him up with me, or as much as my slayer strength would allow, Angel was a heavy man.  
  
As we walked from the house I don't think not one single person, in the lounge room, entry way or dining room, didn't watch us leave.  
  
In the end we really didn't go far from the house, in fact we were on top of it. I was wrapped in Angel's arms, I haven't been happier in a long time. He's telling me all the constellations of the stars, with no clouds it's very easy to see them all. It was a beautiful night.  
  
Both of us knew that I will have forgotten what the constellation was called and what stars it consisted of as soon as he would move onto the next one. He knew it, I knew it, but he would tell me anyway. I wasn't going to tell him to stop talking, I need to hear his voice and be held in his arms, and look at the stars.  
  
We have been on the roof for about an hour now, no one as of yet has come outside looking for either of us, I'm not sure if that's an insult or a godsend. The air is cool, but not cold at all, and it is perfect for snuggling up to former boyfriends.  
  
I don't know what Angel and I are to each other anymore. I know he's the love of my life and I know that I love him, I know he loves me. But I knew that before, and he still left. The reasons for Angel's leaving are still here, and I don't know if he will stick around this time. I want to believe that we can have our forever, and that he'll still be here next week when all this is over, but I can't shake the thought that he will leave me. And I have a hell of a reason why he would want to.  
  
The front door opened, Angel fell silent and underneath the porch I could hear hushed talking, but couldn't make out the words, I'm not sure if Angel could or not.  
  
"Buffy!" It was Xander.  
  
"Buffy!" And Willow.  
  
We kept silent and didn't move till they went back inside. 


	4. All That I Have To Give

Part Three All I Have To Give  
  
I watched as my daughter ran into the room, from my spot in the armchair, I could see her father run in after her. Angel scooped her into his arms and spun her around, her squeals filled the air. I laughed and felt happy to have them both.  
  
Willow then came into the room. "Hello, Buffy."  
  
"Hey, Will. How are you?"  
  
"Are you sure you want to be answering that?"  
  
"Will, I did the asking, you do the answering."  
  
"You are not ready."  
  
"Ready for what? I have all I need to be ready. A child and her father. See?"  
  
I looked down and saw only my daughter standing there by herself. Her blue eyes looking up at me, sad and fearful. I looked around the room for Angel.  
  
"Where's your father?" I asked the young girl.  
  
"You killed him." Said Riley. He was standing next to me, where Willow had been only seconds before.  
  
"No, I didn't, he just had-" I looked around for Angel yet again, there was no sight of him.  
  
The girl took my hand and pulled me down so she could speak into my ear. "You killed my daddy."  
  
I bolted awake, Angel stirred beside me. I lifted his arm from across my waist and got out of the bed. I felt the tears form in my eyes, blinking them away I walked from my bedroom and went in search of comfort.  
  
Comfort came in the form of ice-cream. It was 2 in the morning, and no one else was awake. After Angel and I had gotten off the roof, we went back inside to the wake and as soon as we entered the house, eyes followed us wherever we went. Glares from all corners, my mother wouldn't speak to me and the Finns told us they would not stay in town another day and would be leaving tomorrow, well now it's really today. Originally they were going to stay at least two days, so they could see where Riley lived and the people he spent time with.  
  
Before they left, I was able to ask them one question: "Why wasn't Riley buried in Iowa?"  
  
Mrs. Finn answered with, "he would have wanted to be near you, dear."  
  
I thought I was going to be sick right there.  
  
"Buffy..." A voice pulled me from my thoughts.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Couldn't sleep, huh?"  
  
"Had a dream."  
  
"Want to talk about it?"  
  
"No, not really."  
  
Angel pulled me into his arms. I welcomed the contact, his embrace a heaven on earth. His lips brushed against my hair and he pulled me closer still. "I love you, Buffy."  
  
"I love you too, Angel."  
  
"Buffy, what's wrong?"  
  
"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just stay like this forever?"  
  
"As wonderful as that would be, it wouldn't make the pain go away."  
  
"What pain?"  
  
"Buffy, you can mourn for Riley. It's okay, you can cry."  
  
"No time to cry, Angel. I'm the Slayer, I don't have much time for anything."  
  
"Don't talk like that. Buffy, please, don't keep it in."  
  
"Don't tell me what to do." I stepped out of Angel's arms, and turned to walk away.  
  
"Buffy..." Angel reached forward to grab my arm. I swatted it away.  
  
"I don't need you to be here, Angel. You can go, I'm not keeping you here."  
  
"Buffy, I'm not here because you need me, I'm here because this is where I want to be. I want to be with you."  
  
"Why? Why now after a year apart? Angel, I can't do this, not again. I can't have you and not have you all at the same time, I thought I could, but I love you too much not to want to be with you."  
  
"I love you, Buffy, isn't that enough? All I've ever wanted was to be with you, we'll find a way. Willow she can do a spell to bind my soul. Buffy, please, don't push me away."  
  
"A spell..."  
  
"Yes, a spell. Then we can have everything we've ever wanted."  
  
"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."  
  
"Nothing's wrong with you."  
  
"You're just saying that."  
  
"No, I'm not." He took my hands in his, I felt my hands shaking slightly, he brushed his lips against my fingers. I wanted to cry out and fling my arms around his neck, but I didn't, instead I looked him in the eyes and he said what I wanted to say: "I love you."  
  
"I love you, Angel."  
  
"It'll be all right, I promise."  
  
He then pulled me into his arms, I rested my head on his chest and stared as he held me. Was it going to be all right? Could he, or anyone else make it better? What will happen when I tell him I'm pregnant?  
  
"Buffy, honey. What would you like for breakfast?" asked my mom.  
  
"Nothing, I'm not that hungry."  
  
"But Buffy, you have to eat for-" she abruptly stopped talking, it wasn't like my mom to just stop talking half-way through a sentence. "You haven't been eating a lot lately, you need to eat, Buffy, or you'll get sick."  
  
"Fine, fine, what have you got?"  
  
She smiled brightly and went searching through the cupboards for food. I watched as she set down breakfast cereals, pancake mixture, bread and some salad from the fridge. I stared wide-eyed at the huge buffet in front of me.  
  
"Do you expect me to eat all that?"  
  
"No, but most of it. You're too skinny, you know."  
  
"Won't be for long, mom."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"With all this food, I'll swell up like a balloon."  
  
"Who's a balloon?" Said Dawn as she walked into the kitchen from outside.  
  
"I will be, soon anyway."  
  
"Uh huh. Good for you."  
  
Dawn looked weirdly at me, like she was trying to figure out what was wrong with. I panicked and got up and walked out of the room.  
  
"Buffy! You have to eat!" called my mother.  
  
I didn't stop, I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Dammit, that's where I wanted to escape to, not the stairs: my room. But in the panic, I forgot about Angel still being here, and he currently being in my room.  
  
After we finished talking earlier this morning, we went back up into my room and I fell asleep in his arms. Angel didn't ask again what had happened in my dream, nightmare, whatever you want to call it. But I didn't have anymore, Angel seemed to do that often, keep my nightmares away, but this one was much worse than the world ending. 'Cause then at least it would be over.  
  
"Buffy..." Angel was standing at the base of the stairs in front of me. He was dressed in his usual clothes. Black pants and a dark blue button up silk shirt, hair spiky and eyes looking down at me with such love and concern, it made me want to kiss him to death. Not that he could die from me kissing him, but you get the idea.  
  
"Buffy, are you okay?"  
  
I didn't answer, just kept staring at him.  
  
"Buffy?" New voice, that would be my mom.  
  
I turned slightly and saw mom and Dawn standing next to each other in the doorway. Both have that concerned look on their faces. I don't want their concern, or their pity, I felt the panic rise again. Angel noticed, my heartbeat had quickened and I knew he monitored that, however creepy it might be. His brow furrowed, and his looked at me with that penetrating stare. It made me want to run.  
  
"Buffy..." He said my name again, like the way he always has, beautifully. I don't deserve it, none of it. Not him, not my mom or even my annoying sister, they have no right to be concerned. I don't deserve it.  
  
"Buffy." He took a step closer to me, my peripheral vision could see that my mom and Dawn were watching with hope and fear in their eyes.  
  
He reached out to touch me, and I ran.  
  
No one ran after me. Neither dawn or mom would have been able to catch me, and it was about nine o'clock in the morning, and in no way could Angel follow. I have never been so grateful that the sun was hanging in the sky like I am now.  
  
I ran and ran, my legs hurt, but still I ran. I ran until I realised where I was going. To the cemetery, not the one where Riley was buried, but to Restfield. Where Angel and I often patrolled, made out and then patrolled some more. I found myself missing those much more simpler days, before my 17th birthday. That day changed everything.  
  
I rested against a tomb, fed my hands through my hair and sank to the grassy ground. I felt as though I could sleep for a week, but me being the slayer, I didn't need much sleep, so that would never be happening unless I was drugged.  
  
Graveyards are so peaceful and quiet, just full of dead people, who can't ask questions or look at you with beautiful eyes. I feel at peace here amongst the dead, maybe that's why I love Angel so much, because it's peaceful. I know there are a million reason why I love him, but one of the main reasons why it never worked with anyone else, and why it wouldn't have worked with Riley even if he didn't die, was because, it was peaceful in Angel's arms, I could rest there and tell him about my day and how I'm feeling.  
  
I couldn't do that in any other man's arms. I never let my guard down, never let them in. So, it was my fault, and his too. But mostly mine, I couldn't get him out of my system and now it's doomed me to a lifetime alone, no matter how short that might be. Angel and I can never be, not because of the curse, he's right we can just fix that. But because of me and the baby I'm carrying. It's Riley's and as much as I don't want it to be, it is. I wish it were Angel's, but Angel is a vampire. The dream of having children with the man I love died along time ago.  
  
I won't kill this child, I couldn't ever do that. I considered it the moment the test came back positive, but to deny a child's right to live just because I didn't love the father is stupid. I love this child already, and I can't kill another person I love. I don't have it in me anymore to go on with my life, I think I'd rather die.  
  
I stayed at the cemetery for a couple of hours. I realised I was hungry, it's funny being hungry all the time, I'm eating for two now and it's just odd. Being the slayer I don't need to eat as much, but this kid has a completely normal dad, so this kid will need a lot of food. Luckily, I had a couple of dollars in my jean pocket and am now heading to the nearest place that serves edible food.  
  
It's a small café at the end of Main Street, it's not too busy. I can see the Espresso Pump from here and it's nearly full. Glad to not be there with all the people, some of them could have been from the college, and they would have known that Riley had died and that we were going out. I don't think I could handle the stares and whispers.  
  
I order my food, and wait for it to arrive.  
  
When it gets to my table, I eat quickly and pay and leave. No body watches my go, they are all of the older population and wouldn't know who I or Riley was. Was: past tense.  
  
It doesn't take me long to get to my new destination. I didn't know what was driving me to this place, I hadn't been there in years, and I didn't think I'd ever go back there. It hurt too much, knowing that's where it all changed. Outside of Angel's old apartment I stood watching the door as though someone might walk out at any moment. I feel the familiar tingle that signals when Angel is near. But he couldn't be in there, could he? There is a sewer entrance not faraway, and he could have gotten here if he really wanted to, but he didn't, did he?  
  
I push open the door, step inside, closing it behind me.  
  
"Buffy, took you long enough." Angel stepped out of the bathroom. "I was getting bored."  
  
Shit, he was here. I should have trusted my instincts and not went it. God, I'm stupid.  
  
"Buffy, are you going to go catatonic again?"  
  
"No, I'm not." I took a frantic look around. "I'm-I'm...leaving." I turned to go, but Angel's vampire super speed beat me to the door. "Get out of my way."  
  
"No, not until we talk."  
  
"Talk about what? I have nothing to say to you."  
  
"That's a lie and you know it."  
  
"It's not a lie. I don't need or want to speak to you right now, and you're not going to make me."  
  
"You're right. I can't make you talk to me. But I don't have to let you leave."  
  
My mouth fell open, he was going to fight me to keep me here. "I don't have time for this Angel."  
  
"Of course you do, you're not going anywhere, Buffy."  
  
"So, what? Are you going to keep me here against my will?"  
  
"If it comes to that, yes."  
  
"I can't believe you. You come here, uninvited and screw up my life. I killed my boyfriend for you. I killed a decent guy, so you could live! You have no right to talk to me."  
  
"Maybe not. But then maybe I do. I never told you to save me and let Riley die, you did that all by yourself. You made the choice, Buffy, not me."  
  
"You're right, I did make the choice. And I choose you."  
  
He was silent.  
  
"What, got nothing to say? Good, then I'm going." I attempted to push past him, but Angel gabbed my arm and pulled me back in front of him.  
  
"We have to talk, or at leats you do. I don't want you to keep it all inside, not this time. Let it out, yell, scream, beat the crap out of me if you want. But don't keep it in."  
  
"I'm not, I'm fine." Hell, even I knew I was lying. "Please, Angel. Don't make me do this."  
  
"You need to-"  
  
"I need to? I need to? What I need Angel is so much more than you can give me right now, or maybe ever."  
  
"Then tell me about it. Tell me what you need and don't need. Let me in, Buffy. You've kept me out before-"  
  
"That was your choice, you left me, Angel. You left me, and when you did, you took all rights to tell me what to do, and I gained the right to keep you out of it."  
  
"I shouldn't have left."  
  
"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  
  
"I shouldn't have left you."  
  
I didn't know what to say, what do you say to that? 'Thanks' or 'That's nice.' Instead my eyes decided they knew what to do, they started to water. Don't cry, don't let him see you cry, not over this, not over him. But the bloody things wouldn't listen.  
  
"Oh, Buffy..." he pulled my into his arms. I cried into his shirt, his arms wrapped tight around me. It is peaceful here.  
  
Tell what you think and if I should continue, I really like this fic and have huge plans for it, but no one will get to see it if no one tells me to continue. So please review. I'll try and get out the next few parts of 'Awakening Of The Heart' in a couple of weeks. I haven't forgotten about it, I just haven't finished it yet. 


	5. Choices

**Part Four **Choices 10th June 2000

Waking up next to Angel is a new experience, even though I have done it many times before – okay, not many times, but more than a couple – it's different now that things between us are different. The curse is still there, so is that non-recommended co-dependency thing, but I feel different when I'm with him. I'm not a hormonal teen, I'm a woman in love, it's nice.

Telling Angel my big, bad, relationship destroying secret wouldn't be the best move. Should I tell him before or after I tell the others, or should I just skip town and live out the rest of my days being a single parent? I groan in disagreement, nope definitely not the second option, unless Angel wants to come with me. Some part of me thinks he'd be a great father, but is it possible to be okay with the fact that the love of your life is having a kid with another guy?

Probably not, not even in these extreme circumstances. We've reached some sought of unsaid arrangement, that we are sort of together again. I should say something and make it more concrete. Because I can't shake the feeling that one day I will wake up and he would have left for whatever reason popped into his handsome head.

"Buffy, do you want anything to eat?"

"Yeah."

He was there when I woke up this morning, that was extra nice, and I knew that I don't deserve feeling happy right now, but I wanted to. Angel can cook, who knew?

"What do you feel like?"

"Wait," I got out of his bed and walked over to the kitchenette. "Do you have anything here? Or do you want me to go to the store…or something?"

"No, I have things to eat. Other than pig's blood." He added with a grin. I smiled too and wrapped my arms around his waist. Angel put his hands over mine. "So, what do you want?"

"I don't know. Honest. How about you go crazy and I'll eat it?"

"Are you sure? Some food might upset your sto- your tastebuds."

"But I won't tell you if they do. Just cook, I'll watch and we can talk about stuff."

"Oh, a 'stuff' talk. What's this about?"

"What else, us."

"Okay."

We let go at the same time, Angel turned around and I kissed him on the lips for only a second, or I wouldn't have been able to stop: Angel is currently topless and completely gorgeous.

"I love you, Angel."

"I love you too, Buffy. Go sit," he nodded towards the table that had only two chairs with it. I don't know why, but that made me smile. I sat myself down at the chair nearest the wall, Angel walked to his wardrobe and put on a shirt. I huffed a bit at that, but since it's a wife-beater, maybe I'll forgive him.

"You want to go first?"

"Okay…" I starred at my hands. "Are you going to leave me again?"

"Not if I can help it."

"But you couldn't help it the times you did leave."

"I can't predict and control the future, Buffy. Do I want to leave you, never have, never will. But things have happened, you know that. I couldn't stay, not only because I wanted you to have a normal life, but because one day, you were going to make me perfectly happy. It's unavoidable."

"But, we won't do anything-"

"I'm not talking about making love, I'm talking about you smiling at me, and that being the trigger. Sex with you is not the trigger, you are. Didn't you realise?"

"I thought you were just being a guy. I'm sorry, really, but I was 17, what else did you think I would think. I mean, it's not like we could talk about that night after it happened. Well, we could, but I didn't want to hear him say it all over again. We never talked about after you came back from Hell either. Hell, we never talked about any of it, and it's making me pretty mad now!"

I stopped talking, Angel was starring at me with an expressionless face. It made me terribly uncomfortable. He suddenly smiled widely, he walked over to me, bent down on one knee and pulled me into his arms, after the initial shock, I put my arms around him as well.

"Angel, what are you doing?" I asked with my mouth pressed against his wife-beater. This is nice, I thought to myself.

"Just holding you. Is that a bad thing?"

"No, no." I tightened my hold, "but it was out of nowhere. What were you thinking about?"

"How much I love you."

"Oh."

"I know we never talked about anything after I came back. Part of me didn't want to, ever, share what happened to me. And please don't hate me because I don't want to know."

"I could never hate you. I want to know, the selfish, curious part does. But you don't have to tell me, I understand."

"You understand so much more than you should."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You understand my actions and don't…"

"Hate you for them."

"In a way: yes."

"I already said I could never hate you."

"I love you, so much. I need you to know that I always will, and nothing you could say or do will change that."

Yes, it could. It could. I pulled myself free from Angel's arms, the ones I so badly wanted to go back into and never leave. I know something that could destroy us, and it's inside of me.

"You don't know that. Like you said, the future isn't ours to know or predict. Don't make promises you don't know if you can keep."

"But I know I can keep this one."

"Oh, this one! That's nice! How about all the other ones? The ones you broke, shattered…you haven't kept a lot, what makes now different?" I yelled angrily. "You've done so much to me, not good things either. You've hurt me so much-"

"You've hurt me to. I'm hurting right now."

"Why? Are you going to tell me that? Or aren't you ready, I may understand a lot of things, but I also don't like a lot more things. This isn't right, what if you and I just aren't…" I couldn't find it in me to even finish that sentence. After everything that had happened in the past week, I needed to have Angel here, I needed our forever. All other things in my life has fallen apart, I wanted it to work this time. I was dreaming, deluded even, because it is not going to happen. "I'm so sorry for whatever I have done to you, the hurt…I didn't mean to. Except maybe when I came to LA with that whole Faith thing."

"Buffy, what are you-?"

"This is it, I guess. I love you and thank you-" I started crying, Angel took a step closer, and I took a step away. "Thank you for getting me through the past few days…it was nice to pretend it could work."

"No, Buffy, I need to tell you-"

"Goodbye." I whispered through my tears and I ran from Angel's apartment? Home? It doesn't matter. I heard him call after me, then run after me. I ran faster and out into the sun. Angel reached out for me, but the sun burnt his pale flesh. It singed and he cried out in pain, I wanted to go back and tend his wounds, but I couldn't. Hate me for it if you want, I already hate myself.

_(PAGE BREAK)_

I ran all the way home before I realised that I didn't want to be here either. But Dawn was sitting on the front porch.

"Buffy, where were you? Mom is so worried."

"Good."

"You don't mean that."

"Right now I do."

"Did you go to Angel?"

"Yeah, don't ask any questions, please. Or I'll hurt you."

"Okay," she got up and walked into the house. That was weird, I thought as I followed her.

Dawn was sitting on the couch watching the television, I walked into the dining room and then into the kitchen, since I ran out of Angel's place before eating, I was hungry and I hate it when it starts making noises.

My mom was sitting at the counter reading the paper like she usually does. It's never been my thing, to sit there every morning, I know it could help at times with the Slaying, but I don't find it that-

"Buffy, what are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too, mom."

"It's not that, it's…I'm surprised that you're here, after what happened." She looked up at me, I looked away. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about, I had a bit of a freak-out moment. I'm okay now."

"Buffy…"

"Listen, mom. My boyfriend just died, I think I can be a bit upset!"

"Yes, you can. You have every right to." Joyce said softly, I felt bad, she didn't deserve my anger being channelled at her. "But are you sure there's not something else? You can tell me anything, you now that right?"

"No, I can't tell you everything. Do you remember when I told you I was the Slayer, it didn't go over too well. I recall you kicking me out of the house-"

"Okay!" she yelled. "I didn't have the best reaction-"

"You can say that again."

"But I learnt to deal with it. Buffy you're my daughter, and I love you more than anything-"

"Besides me," said Dawn walking into the kitchen, she put her cup in the sink and walked back out. I starred at her as she went. Sometimes Dawn seems smarter then you'd think she is, then other times…well, you know.

"I know. But I can't." I looked down at my hands as though the were fascinating. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry."

My mother sighed and I was unexpected pulled into her arms. I put my arms around her, "you don't have to be sorry about anything. It's not your fault either, no matter you may think, no one blames you, Buffy."

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better-"

"Oh, no." Mom pulled away and looked my right in the eyes. "That won't happen with a few words, Buffy. No amount of words could make you feel better. It'll take time, maybe a lot of time. But you _will_ feel better."

"Okay." I smiled, she smiled back and kissed my on the cheek. "I'm gonna go up to my room. If, um, if Angel comes…tell him that I'm up there, and that I want to talk to him."

"Sure."

I nodded and walked towards the stairs.

_(PAGE BREAK)_

I threw the diary across the room, not hard enough to damage to diary or anything else in the room, but I threw it anyway. For some possessed reason, I took it from the drawer and looked to the last entry, the one where I said that I was pregnant. I'm going to burn that page, maybe the whole thing.

I don't want my life to be this way. I don't want to be the Slayer, I don't want to be alone, pregnant…19. Alone. I really am, aren't I? God, that's awful. Can I change it? Is it a Slayer thing, or something more, worse? Can Angel make me feel not so alone?

I wish he would, but having him around is just making it so much harder, because I have to tell him that I'm having a baby with a man he hated. And we both have to live with that.

There is still several hours before sundown, I'm not sure how that makes me feel. One the one hand, I'm glad because it seems that Angel isn't going to come follow me, but on the other, I want him here. I groaned and put the pillow over my face and screamed in frustration. This is just…I can't do this, I'm going to have a breakdown of nuclear proportion! I can't be a mother, I don't know how to take care of someone else, unless their being attacked by some demon I don't know what to do!

The thought of running for the hills makes its way into my head. Would b it be so bad to start over? No, it wouldn't. But who would look after the Hellmouth and my family? Would Angel do it if I don't take him with me? Yes, he would, he'd never let anything happen to them.

I let out another scream and when I come back up for air Angel is standing at the end of my bed.

"Your mother said you wanted to talk to me." he said flatly. His face was unreadable, even for me and it terrified me that I couldn't tell what he was feeling or thinking.

"I didn't think you would be here for hours."

"You didn't think I'd follow you?"

"No, guess not." I looked away and put my pillow on my lap in some attempt to comfort me. "I thought maybe you wanted some space…or I just wished you wanted some space because I wanted some space."

"Okay." He said unsure of what I had said. Angel sat at the end of my bed, I pulled my legs up tight – away from him – and a flash of pain crossed Angel's face. I instantly felt bad.

"Angel, I-"

"Your mom said you wanted to tell me something." He reminded, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I do. Uh, listen," I put the pillow next to me and moved to sit next to him. He shifted his weight and looked away. Don't do this, please. I'm so sorry. "I shouldn't have said those things, I know you didn't want to leave me. It was never a question of that, I had no right to get angry at you like that. But-"

"You're going through some heavy stuff, Buffy. I understand."

"I don't want you to." Another flash of pain. "I didn't mean it like that, I want you to tell me that I was being a bitch, 'cause I was. I love you so much, and I haven't been showing you how grateful I am that you're here. You came to help us save the town and I haven't even said thank you."

"Buffy, you don't need to say this either. I love you so much as well, I gave up on us, on me ever being able to be happy again. I didn't think I deserved to have you-"

"Are you kidding me?"

"But I want to be happy again, as long as it's not perfectly happy, I will be here, with you for as long as-"

"How's forever?" I said suddenly, "does forever work for you?"

He smiled, not a half smile, but with teeth. I smiled too, tears welling in my eyes. His smiled grew and I have never seen anything so beautiful.

"Forever works just fine."

"It's the whole point." I said softly as Angel pulled me into his arms. "Forever…that's the whole point."

"I love you, nothing could change that. Nothing."

I must have believed him, or had a moment of complete insanity, but I blurted out my big bad secret:

"I'm pregnant."

TBC…

Next part should be up soon, just finishing it off now. Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated anything. Sorry about that, RL been taking up more time then I would like it to. Hope you liked this part, things are going to get more interesting. You know the deal: read and review, Maddy.


	6. In My Hands

**Part Five: In My Hands**

Silence. Nothing but an awful, gut-wrenching silence. I wish he would say something; I look at the clock once again. Ten minutes has passed since I let out my little – but very big – secret. I had pulled away from him, terrified of his reaction, but there has been no reaction as of yet.

"Can you say something?" I was pretty fed up with his unreadable face.

Nothing.

"Please."

"I already knew."

I was silent. Nothing but an awful, gut-wrenching silence.

"You…you, already _knew?_"

"Yes-"

"What?" I yelled at him. "You knew, how did you know?"

"I can hear its heart beating."

"That's kinda gross and weird. But why didn't you say anything? Do you have any idea how scared I was? What you would say, I was so scared that you'd…" but I didn't finish the sentence. I couldn't, I'd like to say that it was because Angel's mouth was against mine. But it was because I had burst into tears. "You'd hate me, I thought that you would hate me."

"I could never hate you, Buffy."

"But I didn't know that-"

"I can't believe that you'd think that." He took my hands and placed them into his. I pulled them back, close to my chest. His eyes filled with pain, but I didn't want him touching me. I know that I should say sorry, and make some attempt at fixing up my mess, I didn't…I should have. Instead I left my bed, I sensed Angel reach out for me, but I moved too quickly. "Buffy!"

"Don't. You might not hate me, but here comes the part where you say that you don't want to be with me-"

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. This is what happens to us: things look great for a while then it all goes south."

He stared at me and I couldn't read his expression. After nearly four minutes silence I lost my patience.

"Please say something."

"Why bother, you seem to know everything I'll say."

Anger boiled, "not the point, you can't not say anything. I need you to say something about-"

"You having Riley's kid." He also left the bed, "I don't want to leave you because of this, and I definitely don't want to fight with you about this either. I know you might think that I won't be able to handle it, but I can, I will and _I _need and want to be with you. It doesn't matter if it's Riley's, I want to help you bring up this child…if you let me."

"Oh, god." I ran at him and the force knocked us onto my bed: me on top of Angel, his arms went around me. "I love you."

"I love you."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I was scared that either he was lying – which is _very_ unlikely – or I was dreaming this conversation. And the reality might be much worse. "Because I would understand if you didn't – I'd get it. I wouldn't want to-"

"Of course I do." He said softly. Angel gently put a piece of hair behind my ear and I blushed. Angel half-smiled, "I love you, so much. Don't ever think that I don't."

"I'll try…it'll be hard. It'll take time before I realise that you won't be going anywhere, you've hurt me a lot. In the past." I added to clarify that he wasn't hurting me now. "This, for me, will be a forever kind of thing. This will be your last chance to bail."

"I'm not bailing." He promised, kissing my forehead. "It's forever, Buffy. That's the whole point."

I smiled, tears springing to my eyes. "Good."

"Good."

We stared into each other's eyes, after a moment I decided to spoil the mood: "You're not just being noble, are you?"

"What?"

"You know, being with me because I'll be a single – young – mom. You're not doing that, are you?"

"No, but you being pregnant has made me realise-"

"What a fool you had been for leaving me."

"That I want you no matter what and I wasn't a fool."

"Oh, yes you were. I wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't left. Riley wouldn't-"

"Buffy, it wasn't your fault." He said softly, the mood was now completely destroyed. Riley's face came unbidden into my mind, his kind blue eyes and warm smile. I bit the side of my mouth, fresh tears formed in my eyes. "Hey, don't cry."

"I'm not. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry you have to deal with my problems-"

He interrupted me. "But that's what couples do: they deal with the other person's problems."

"So, we're a couple now?"

"How about next time you ask that, you can act a bit happier?" he joked. _He joked. Weird, I mean, it wasn't exactly laugh out loud funny. But: progress._

"So, we're a couple now?" I asked with mock happiness and a wide smile.

"What am I going to do with you?"

"Love me forever."

"Forever isn't long enough."

"Okay," I rolled off his chest. "You have to stop saying things like that."

"Why?"

"Because," I sat up, Angel proceeded to do the same. "When you say those beautiful things, I have no idea what to say back. Nothing seems to match it."

He half-smiled and shook his head incredulously. "You don't have to say anything back."

"But I feel like I have to." I admitted, "and all I can do is smile and tell you that I love you."

"Which is enough, being near you is enough."

"See!" I exclaimed, getting to my feet and I then began pacing the length of my room. "You say that and I'm at a loss for words. What am I supposed to say? You spout out all these proclamations of love…and what do I do? Smile."

"I get it."

"What?" I was utterly lost, stopping mid-stride.

"You don't have to say something 'beautiful' for me to know how you feel."

"Oh, that 'get it.'" I stopped moving all together, slightly embarrassed by the conversation we were having. It's different from any other talk we've had; Angel and I have never been very open about our feelings. It was making me a bit uncomfortable.

He left the bed and moved in front of me. I looked down and he put his hand gently underneath my chin and lifted my head so I could look in his eyes. "When I'm around you you're so relaxed, comfortable, open. I feel like all I need to do is look at you and you'll tell me everything I need to know. You don't have to say a word; I know how you feel about me. I know you love me. When you smile, laugh or sigh I know. The way you look at me when you wake up beside me, that lazy smile spreads across your face and I know. It's more than enough, Buffy."

"See: at a loss for words."

* * *

"Oh, I'm glad you talked her down." My Mom said as we walked down the stairs and into the lounge room. Her and Dawn were watching television, curled up on the big lounge. Angel and I moved to the armchair, he sat down first and I sat on his lap. My mother looked concerned, while Dawn seemed totally oblivious to our presence. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay. A little tired, but-"

"Do you want to sleep?" asked Angel.

I smiled at his concern. "No, I'm okay. It's just been a big day is all."

He nodded and turned his attention to the television, I, however busied myself by intertwining our hands. His skin is cool and soft; it surprised me that after 250 odd years his skin is unaffected. No scarring, just a tattoo that I'm fascinated with. I don't know the story behind it, or when he got it, but I'm interested to find out one day.

"Buffy, are you hungry?"

"No, mom. I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Because I don't mind fixing-"

"I'm fine." I say in a firmer tone. She looks harshly at Angel, who sensed her glare and returned the look, though not as harsh. I studied their faces, it seemed as though they were communicating with their eyes or something like that. They knew something I didn't. "What's going on?"

"Nothing." My mother said much too quickly.

"Oh, yes there is. What's going on?"

"It's nothing, Buffy."

"Don't you dare lie to me, Angel."

His face filled with pain, "just not now. Drop it."

"What?" I wiggled out of Angel's arms and steadied myself as I stood up. "Something I going on here? Since when are you and Angel in cahoots with one another? It's wigging me out and I really don't like it."

"Buffy, let's go talk in the kitchen." My mother moved away from Dawn and took a step toward me. "We should talk, but not here."

"Why?"

"Because of Dawn."

"What about me?" Asked my sister, suddenly entering the conversation "Are you guys talking about me?"

"No, we're not." Answered Angel.

"Can we please talk in the kitchen?" my mother persisted.

"Okay." The situation was very odd, but if this is a way to find out what's going on, I'd be up for having a talk on the moon.

We walked into the kitchen; my mother was the first to speak. "Buffy, I know that the past week has been hard for you. I'm glad that Angel was here to help you; Dawn and I will be here for you too. You don't have to worry about being alone in this-"

"Alone in what?" I asked, "You mean, grieving for Riley?"

"No, I-I, Buffy…I know."

I waited for her to say what she knew, she didn't say anything. "You know what, exactly?"

"That you're pregnant."

"What!"

"Buffy…" Angel said.

"No, you what? You knew and you didn't say a word. How did you know, you don't have vamp hearing and I'm pretty sure I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone." _Not even Riley._ My mother was stunned into silence; Angel took this as his chance to say something.

"The doctors at the hospital after I brought you in…while you were out, they asked your mother if she knew you were pregnant. I was lurking and I heard."

"So, you can't hear its heartbeat?" I said softly, my voice shaking. "But you said-"

"I can hear its heart beating. But I didn't notice until after, I was more focused on you." He gave me a lop-sided grin. "We talked about it and decided to tell you after the funeral, after everything settled down a bit. You beat us to it."

"Sorry for ruining your plans." I joked, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't really work.

"Buffy, I'm not disappointed in you. I know you didn't mean for it to happen," said my mother, she walked towards me. "I love you and I will always be here for you."

"I know you will. I love you too. But, Mom…"

"Yes, honey…" my mother idly smoothed out my hair.

"Angel's…he's not – he's not leaving me."

"I don't understand." She shot a glare in Angel's direction.

"Mom, you're not dealing with him. You're dealing with me. I'm the one talking, so look at me." I told her, letting the Slayer come through hard and fast. Joyce tore her eyes away from Angel's and looked at mine. "He's gonna stay and take care of me…and the baby. We're-"

"You're getting back together!" she cried. "Buffy, don't you remember what happened-"

"Mom. I was there, I experienced it, you didn't. Don't talk about it like you actually had a clue, you had no idea. I'm pretty good at keeping you out of my life."

"Buffy, if-" Angel started to say. I didn't let him finish, I was terrified that he would agree with my mother and say he has to leave me.

"Don't. Say. A. Word." I turned back to my mother. "I don't want to know what you think of Angel and I being an 'us'. But if you don't accept it, deal with it and keep your opinions to yourself. No visits."

"Excuse me?"

"I'll move to LA with Angel and you won't get to see me or the baby."

"Now, Buffy, that's out of line."

I was deeply hurt that it was Angel who said that. "Angel…but I want to be with you. I don't want other people to determine our relationship."

_"_And they won't. But this is not the way, Buffy." He reached out and gently stroked my arm. "No one will benefit from you going to LA. I'll still be here for you, I'll move back to Sunnydale. The others can run the agency for me. And I can go if they really need me. I could get Gunn to help, maybe even hire him-"

"Okay, I get it. I don't know who Gunn is, but I get it."

"May I say something?" asked Joyce impatiently. If she were Giles she would have make a cluck-cluck sound with her tongue.

"No." Angel said simply. I smiled proudly at the man I love. He truly has become someone. "Buffy and I are going to be together whether you like it or not. I don't know about Buffy, but I'm not here to get your blessing. But you know, deep down you must know, that I have always had Buffy's best interests at heart. If she needs me, that's what she'll get."

"Buffy…I-I, I don't know what to say. Angel, I'm-"

"What are guys doing?" Of course Dawn had to interrupt a pivotal moment. "You're not talking about me, are you? 'Cause, you know, it's not healthy to obsess."

I laughed loudly and fought to keep the giggles from making an appearance. "Don't be so up yourself."

"I am not up myself. I'm not, am I Angel?"

He shook his head in full seriousness. I didn't buy it for a second, but it seemed to fool Dawn. She smiled triumphantly, walked to the fridge, pulled out a packet of chocolate covered biscuits and walked back into the living room.

"She's really quite strange." I deadpanned. "Don't you think she's really quite strange?"

Neither answered me, it seems they were too busy giving each other looks. I rolled my eyes at their immaturity.

"How am I going to tell the others?" I asked, suddenly remembering that Giles, Willow, Xander, Dawn, Anya and Tara had no idea I was pregnant, at least I didn't think they knew. "They don't know, do they? The others, I mean."

"No," my mother shook her head. "Only…Angel and I know."

"Okay, I want to tell them one on one. Less bombardment of questions."

"Sure, that's a good idea. We should tell Dawn first."

"No, after Giles. Then we tell Dawn. I want to tell Giles."

"Okay, we'll go over right now." My mom offered. I looked out the window, the sun was still up. it was still day and would be for another several hours.

"No, I want Angel to be there."

"Buffy, there's sewer access near Giles apartment. I can get there safely."

"Great. Mom, we'll meet you there. I'm just gonna go upstairs and get changed-"

"You're not coming in the car with me?"

'No, I'll go with Angel. We'll leave-"

"I don't want you walking in your condition, honey." My mother left no room for argument and I was too tired to fight over it.

"Fine, fine. Angel's getting a ride too, then. We can't make him walk."

"But how? The sun."

I smiled at that and glanced sideways at Angel. "Blanket?"

"Blanket."

"I'll find something that's big and dark enough." My mother offered, I nearly fell over from shock. She was doing something to benefit Angel, something to help him. I gave her the most grateful look I could accomplish. She'll never know what that simple act of finding a blanket would mean to the handsome man standing next to me, transfixed, we both watched her leave the kitchen in search of the item.

"Well, that was…unexpected."

"Yeah," I replied, agreeing completely. "Maybe some things will work out on their own. Like that, there wasn't much forcing."

"She still hates me."

"She doesn't hate you."

"Fine, she despises me."

"She does not." I smiled, stepping in front of Angel. He smirked and wound his arms around my waist. I reached up and put my hands firmly behind his neck. "Enough talk about my mom."

"Enough talking."

I laughed until Angel's lips hit mine.

TBC…  
It took much longer to update than I expected, sorry to keep you waiting. Lol. You know the deal: read and review. I always reply if given some way to contact you. Love, Maddy.


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